God's First Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Your Source of Daily Encouragement and Inspiration From God's Word

He Knows My Name

on July 28, 2011

July 28, 2011

Yesterday I thought to myself, it’s been 15 years since I attempted suicide. Back then I never thought I’d see my 21st birthday and tomorrow will be my 31st. It’s been a hell of a journey. Sometimes I feel as if I’m not where I should be…I’m not. I shouldn’t be at all. If I had had it my way, my life would have ended 15 years ago, but God had other plans. Funny how when I stop and actually think about it, the moments of that day are so clear in my mind. “It wasn’t me”, that’s what I remember. It wasn’t me committing the act and it wasn’t me who stopped it. That doesn’t sound logical, and it isn’t, but it’s the truth. We truly fight a spiritual battle each day and it’s hard to see that the world won’t acknowledge it as such. We come up with fancy medical and scientific definitions when the reality is it all boils down to God vs Satan, good vs evil. I’m so glad to be on God’s team. I have to remember all he’s brought me through.

You know, I’m not very sure what the love a parent feels like because I don’t have children of my own. At times I feel like my parents do so much for me…too much. I feel guilty, I feel ashamed. But my Father tells me that it is he who gave these parents to me and I to them. He tells me that he is the one who enables them to provide me with the blessings he desires me to have. I’m not a princess. I don’t overdo it. My spending isn’t flawless, but for the most part I just buy gas and pay loans. But the world points a finger…you’re 31, disregard the fact that you were once the walking dead…for 25 years to be exact. Forget that you once used pills and sexual relationships as coping mechanisms because you couldn’t bare the 24/7 gut wrenching emotional and physical pain that was rooted deep in your soul. Forget that it’s only 6 years ago that you really began to breathe. The world would disregard the path my Father has paved out before me, but I don’t want to forget. I can not forget.

It’s difficult some days to think about the past and it isn’t somewhere I need to dwell, however every now and then it is a good reminder of the obstacles already defeated and the battles already won. It’s a push for better still and yet to come. I have not arrived and I know not when I will, but in the meantime I must give shouts of praise to the one that’s brought me thus far.


One response to “He Knows My Name

  1. Catherine says:

    Amen and amen. thank you sister for this, my heart wrenches and soars. love you so much!

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