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Rough Time

on June 2, 2010

He breaks us down to build us back up right?  I feel like God’s breaking me down, getting rid of all my pride…and boy is there a lot of it.  What sucks is that I have to go back to the root of it and in a lot of cases going back just ain’t pretty.  But again, all glory to God because the human mind has a way of surpressing negative memories as a coping mechanism.  Well, I’ve coped and now I have Jesus, so so long to surpression and hello to repair and healing.

Last year at this time my 95 year old grandma was in her last days of life.  She was in a pallative care unit with pancreatic cancer.  We visited her every single day.  Family was with her 24/7.  Watching someone die is not an easy task, but it’s one I surely don’t regret.  I witnessed a woman who knew she knew Jesus and knew she was on her way home.  Scripture says that we are not of this world, we only inhabit it, but we are citizens of Heaven and one day we’ll all go home.  On her last day, she was at peace.  She knew her departure time had come and she prepared for her journey.  As I sat with her from about 9am- around 3pm that day, she prayed the entire time.  Months later I wrote her this poem, an expression of what I’d learned from her life.

I feel as though today I know you better than I ever did
I wish I could go back and see you through these eyes
I would have been more understanding, more loving and more kind
Today I feel like we have something in common
I used to think we were so different
I thought you were so incredibly strong
That’s what people say about me
But we both know strong’s not the word to use
Maybe courageous, but perhaps not even that
We did what we had to and only that
Now I wonder though if maybe we’ve been wrong all along
I’ve rarely ever seen you shed a tear
You never showed me any fear
In these ways my life’s a model, but it’s all a show
Inside of me there’s tons of fear and day after day I cry but no one hears
I wonder if you felt that way
Alone, with no one to confide in
Even in your last days I can remember, in all your pain
Still you tried to hide it to comfort us
Even then everyone cried on your shoulder instead of you on theirs
Nene I can’t have that strength, it isn’t in me
I loved you so much and could barely even say the words because they’d shatter my image
That image I don’t want anymore and I don’t think you wanted it either
Strength doesn’t mean you never cry, it doesn’t mean you don’t hurt
It doesn’t make you super natural, above human emotion
All your life you lived to please even at times when it seemed you were controlling and perhaps even overbearing, you just wanted us to feel as though we could always lean on you and that we always did
But me, I have to let it go
I can’t hold it inside
Maybe that’s a lesson to learn from your life
Maybe now’s a time for change
A time to reach out and recognize that people, family needs one another
No one person should bear it all, take on the heavy load alone,
together we should arm in arm lift and carry one another
You must have felt so lonely, you must have hurt so deep
You were unselfish, motivated by love and now so too am I
In saying this: we’re not alone, we are not alone so let’s stop acting like we are
If not to us to love each other, if not to us to care
If not to us to open up and in each other’s lives embrace and trace a path of grace
Then in who, I ask, in who
We’re blessed to be a family
We’re blessed to have family
Let’s not wait until another’s gone before we live as though we’re blessed.
Nene I love you and miss you and I hope and pray we’ll all learn from your life. R.I.P

In our weakness God’s strength is revealed.  I can’t be strong anymore, not in my own strength.  I can’t be proud or take the lead.  I need the Spirit to guide me.  I need His wisdom and discernment.  In rough times such as this, I really just need Jesus


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